Haikus and otherwise from Suburbia

ON CHILDREN

You think I don’t know
Unfinished homework lies beneath your bed,
No more Nintendo

This report is late
Were there so few books to read
On George Washington?

I purchased pork chops,
Yet you beg for McDonald’s,
Go ask your father

Your teacher phoned me
Who is this child called Christopher
Whose arm you fractured?

He screams, this one weeps,
No toddler really enjoys
His birthday party

Take off the make-up
Adults hate you, children fear you,
Someone tell the clowns

I said, “No Ice Cream”
Don’t ask me again
Your life hangs by a thread

Store-bought salads and
“Casserole Surprise,”
It’s the PTA dinner

ON FAMILY MEMBERS

You said you would help
Yet you watch the History Channel and snore
Go fix your own dinner

Wise is the woman
Who does not turn her man loose
At the local Costco

My mother calls again,
Begging me not to end up
Just like I am ending up

A mother-in-law
Always finds time to find fault
I can wait her out

ON PETS

The dog is hungry,
Her water bowl is empty,
Still, she licks your face

Mud hangs from your nose
Your paws smell like your rear end
A bath awaits you

Tumbleweeds of shedded fur
Roll through the living room,
I must buy more Claritin

ON CHORES

We have no fresh clothes,
The dirty cry for bleach, the clean
Remain unsorted.

I clip the coupons
They will double them at Ralphs,
Albertson’s will not

ON THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Band practice resumes,
What else is a garage for?
Our houses rock

My ears are screaming
It is early Saturday,
Neighbors mow too well

Ask your price right now,
I’d give almost anything
To sleep in on Sundays

Too many children
Ask me to buy overpriced
School wrapping paper.

My doorbell rings twice,
The Jehovah’s Witnesses
Have not caught me yet.

The driveway is blocked,
Soccer moms in a hurry:
Please park somewhere else