Posted by: cassymuronaka | September 5, 2009

The Cult of Chuck


Why some people become and remain icons and why some do not is often a mystery. I never thought I’d see the day when a young brow was furrowed at the mention of John Wayne’s name. Conversely, Marilyn Monroe is idolized by people whose parents weren’t even born when she died.

Someone whose celebrity apparently seems destined to endure is … Chuck Norris.

Yes, that Chuck Norris; the one who is still alive and famous for C-grade action movies, Mike Huckabee rallies, and late-night Total Gym infomercials.

Several years ago, the martial arts master became the focus of an internet phenomenon in which he was credited with fictitious and inflated abilities, popularly known as Chuck Norris Facts.


— If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
— When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
— Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

The people who are most amused by these absurd statements are, not unsurprisingly, teenage boys. Eventually, these young men brought the Chuck Norris cult of “badassery” into the World of Warcraft online game arena, where they applied the same methods of character enlargement to a Minotaur-like character known as Tauren Saurfang.

This happened because players spent what they felt was an inordinate amount of time trudging past the stoic Saurfang in part of a world called Barren’s Chat. The gamers killed time by creating more myths about Chuck Norris, and, eventually, Saurfang.

Chuck, Saurfang

Saurfang humor is not as easily appreciated by the general populus:

— The Eye of the Storm battleground was once on the same level as the Netherstorm; that was until, Saurfang made a downward cleave.
— Saurfang once spit, and that pool of spit is known as Darrowmere lake.
— Saurfang soloed Hogger. Enough said.

These jokes apparently are a scream if you are a Druid, Orc, Troll or a Dwarf for the Alliance.

But for those of you who are not, here are some more Chuck Norris Facts:

— Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
— There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
— Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
— Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
— Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
— Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
— There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
— Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
— Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
— There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
— When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
— Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


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